


Miss Missing You

by Lapsang



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Overthinking, Unrequited Love, this is not a very happy fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 07:04:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4778009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lapsang/pseuds/Lapsang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things have changed since Makoto and Haru moved to Tokyo. Makoto in particular is not dealing well with the new distance in their friendship. He tries hard to convince himself he's worrying about nothing... But is he?</p>
<p>When Haru tells him something he never wanted to hear, Makoto's forced to admit to himself what he really feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cascades

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is named after Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy. It's maybe not the most accurate title, but it was my working name for this, and I couldn't think of anything better. 
> 
> Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVOBh7ItPFI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song is Cascades by Metric. It strikes me as a 'late-night pondering' kind of song, and that's the setting of this opening chapter, so..!
> 
> Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuPRFDC3wCQ

It was raining. It always seemed to be raining, lately. Well, what did he expect? It was the rainy season. But it also felt a bit like some kind of pathetic fallacy. Thinking that seemed kind of pathetic in and of itself. He’d been feeling kind of pathetic lately.

He sighed, frustrated, and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his palms. He was sick of feeling like this, thinking like this, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to stop. Something had to give.

Makoto rolled over onto his side and dragged himself into a sitting position, blankets rumpled around him. The clock on his bedside table said it was 11:24PM. He’d tried to get a reasonably early night, but he just couldn’t sleep. The thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. He got up slowly, trying not to groan too much like an old man, and shuffled over to the kettle in the corner of his room. He picked it up, flicked on the light on the way to the sink, filled it, and set it to boil. He then sat down at his desk, habitually reaching for his phone.

No new messages. Of course. 

Makoto resisted the urge to throw the damn thing against the wall. He knew, he knew so damn well that he needed to stop thinking like this. But it was so easy to keep going and so hard to stop.

He and Haru had moved to Tokyo a month and a bit ago, and things weren’t the same. Makoto never really expected they would be, but still, he hadn’t quite expected to drift apart quite like this. Of course not seeing each other every day would change things somewhat, and he thought he could cope with whatever happened. He thought he’d be fine with it. He was wrong.

To start, they saw each other a lot. They helped each other move in, they went round to each others for dinner, they explored the town together and hung out most days. But then Haru’s training started in full, and Makoto got busy with lectures and assignments and what have you, and they had less and less time to see each other. Their respective rooms weren’t too far apart but weren’t close either (a short-ish train ride or a long walk), so getting together became something that had to be planned rather than just happening. 

They messaged most nights, which was kind of a new experience; it wasn’t something they’d really needed to do before. Makoto would initiate it, and they’d chat for a bit, and then they’d go to sleep. Sometimes they’d send each other things they saw in the day; Makoto would snap a pic of a cafe with grilled mackerel sandwiches, and Haru would send cats he saw out and about, that kind of thing. But somehow they just kept getting busier and the messages got shorter and less frequent.

Makoto worried. He’d always worried. He’d worried all the way back in elementary school when they first met Rin, when Haru nearly drowned, when he initially wouldn’t join the relay, when Rin moved away. He’d worried as Haru got less and less interested in swimming that time when Rin lost that race to him, he’d worried when Rin came back, he’d worried when Haru fell into that depression… He’d worried the most then, that time they exchanged harsh words in front of fireworks, when Haru had been whisked away to Australia. Even when he came back, Makoto worried something had changed, though everything went back to the way it was after.

Come to think of it, that was an awful lot of Rin. Much as he tried to deny it to himself, he’d always been a little envious of that connection Haru and Rin had. He’d long since accepted that the kind of friendship Haru had with him and the thing Haru had with Rin were different things that couldn’t be judged in the same way, but still… Haru and Rin were chasing the same dream now, while he was studying for a different future. He couldn’t help but feel left out, somehow.

Makoto realised he’d been in a trance for far too long and the kettle had long since boiled and switched itself off. He put a hand to the side, felt that it was still pretty warm and judged it good enough, so he made himself a cup of tea and let it brew. 

Tonight, Makoto hadn’t messaged Haru, just to see if Haru would message him. He knew it was a childish test, but he did it anyway. Haru hadn’t messaged. Part of him suspected that Haru would always wait for Makoto to message first because that was just how their routine worked. Haru was probably wondering why Makoto didn’t want to talk to him tonight. Or was he? Before, Makoto wouldn’t doubt so much, trusting Haru to be Haru, but Tokyo was twisting his mind and making him worry like never before.

He fished the teabag out of his cup with a spoon and dumped it in the trash with a little more force than was strictly necessary. He hated this, hated that he was doing this, knew he should be above this, knew he should be a better person than this, but… But. He took a sip of tea and winced, finding it too hot. This wasn’t helping.

He just needed to see Haru. Then he could reassure himself that everything was fine, that nothing had changed, that he was worrying over nothing. He tapped out a text to send to Haru;

_“Hey :) Sorry to text so late, but are you free this weekend? I wanna catch up in person. Let me know ^-^”_

Pressing send was like a weight off his shoulders. His fears evaporated mere minutes later when Haru’s reply beeped in;

_“dw sat 1pm mackerel cafe?”_

Makoto grinned at his phone, shot back a “sounds great!” and leant back to drink his tea and listen to the rain. It was fine. Of course it was fine. 

He went to sleep assured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my ideal world, I think Makoto and Haru's friendship could overcome pretty much anything. However, this fic is an exploration into how distance can encourage all sorts of worries and doubts and the like, and how this can poison even the most solid of relationships... Or something.
> 
> At time of posting, I've not actually finished it, so I can't hint at what's gonna happen, but this may well not have a happy ending as such... You have been warned. :)


	2. Do It Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit of a short one. Time's passing.
> 
> The song for this chapter is Do It Alone by Sugarcult. It's one of my all time favourite songs; it's a pretty upbeat track about, well, not wanting to be alone. As ever, I'm not sure it's a great fit, but it's what I've gone with. 
> 
> Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93AkTbLtd5U

Two months later, and the heat is sweltering. 

Haru and Makoto did meet up that Saturday at 1pm at the cafe that served the mackerel Haru liked the most, and things were fine. They chatted like they’d always done, they had a good time, and they parted ways in the early evening.

Since then, things had continued on, but Makoto was starting to worry again. Haru was busy more and more often (and so was he, admittedly). When Makoto asked how things were, Haru would mention names Makoto didn’t recognise more and more frequently. Honestly, he was finding it kind of hard to keep up. While he was delighted his somewhat antisocial friend was getting along well with his teammates, it was hard not to feel a little replaced.

He told himself not to be silly. Nobody else could be Haru’s childhood friend. Besides, it wasn’t like he wasn’t making friends of his own. He had a decent selection of friends both on his course and in his accommodation. He even had some friends from when he casually swum in the university’s leisure pool. (It didn’t compare to Haru’s Olympic competition pools, and he didn’t swim near as much as he had in high school, but it was enough to keep him in some kind of shape). He didn’t feel particularly close to any of them, though. Selfishly, he kind of hoped Haru didn’t feel particularly close to any of his new friends, either.

Some weeks their schedules didn’t line up at all and they didn’t see each other at all and barely even managed to exchange “hello”s and “how are you?”s. Makoto hated those weeks the most.

He didn’t really want to admit this, but he was starting to feel a little lonely. With so many people around, it felt hard to really connect with anyone. Maybe he’d been spoiled by having largely the same set of friends since childhood. Sure, there’d been Rei, but he’d been an addition, not exactly a totally new, separate entity. He felt a little bad thinking about Rei like this.

He missed Haru, even though they were right there in the same city.

It was starting to get a little problematic, to be honest. He’d drift off in lectures, wondering what Haru was doing. He’d be vague about committing to social events, hoping to keep his weekends free in case he could see Haru. He’d take pictures of things; a dolphin pillow in a shop window, a cool fountain he saw on a trip to Odaiba, the same brand of ice lolly they’d always get back in Iwatobi that was so hard to find here. He’d go to hit send then pause, not wanting to bother him or seem too clingy. His training had gotten even more intense lately and he was probably busy. He knew that much.

He never used to worry about this kind of thing, and that saddened him.

It was another one of those weeks where Haru just couldn’t see him. Makoto hated that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm posting this, I'm realising I've kind of written it as if the summer break just doesn't exist and that they've been in Tokyo all this time being busy busy. I realise I could totally rewrite it and fix that (and it'd even pad this short chapter out a bit more!) but I think it'd interrupt the flow somewhat...
> 
> Anyway, please ignore my loose grasp of time! owo;;


	3. Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makoto and Haru meet up to have a little chat. :)
> 
> This chapter's song is Butterflies by Hudson Taylor. I'm not gonna comment on it any more, lest I say too much.
> 
> Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E29VeIVJvo

Another month on. It was still warm, but more bearably so.  
Makoto got a text from Haru.

_“meet up? sat 1pm mackerel cafe?”_

Makoto grinned. It’d been a while since they’d seen each other, and here was a request for Saturday, 1pm, at the mackerel cafe. It was just like before. He barely hesitated before firing back,

_“Yes! :D See you then! ^o^”_

It was one of the first times Haru had messaged first. This made Makoto particularly happy! He kind of had plans to go to a study session on Saturday, but he could cancel them easily. It’s not like he’d be missed much; there was a large group down to go, so one person dropping out wouldn’t inconvenience anyone very much.

Makoto could hardly sit still in any of his classes, counting down the days until Saturday. Haru’d texted Wednesday evening, so it wasn’t long to wait, but it seemed to go oh-so-slowly for Makoto. He fidgeted, he zoned out, he doodled in the margins. He completed his assignments somewhat half-heartedly. They weren’t 1pm, Saturday, mackerel cafe, so what did they matter? (He chided himself for this attitude and went over and re-did some of the sections, but still, they weren’t Haru.)

Come Saturday morning, Makoto could hardly sit still. He woke up extra early even though he didn’t need too, too nervous to sit still. He dithered over what to wear, settling on a new shirt from a store they’d been to together before, jeans that were the epitome of smart-casual, and an old jumper Haru had liked to borrow back in Iwatobi. Somewhere, dimly, in the back of his mind, he noted that he never used to do this, but he ignored the thought. He tried to sit down and do some reading for his course, but he was far too jittery for that.

He ended up setting out an hour early, intending to walk to the cafe instead of taking the train. Maybe it’d settle him down somewhat. It’s nice out, but he still gets kind of sweaty and that doesn’t help settle his nerves. It just makes him flustered that he’s gonna look like a mess in front of Haru, who’s always just as cool and immaculate as the water he loves so much.

He still gets to the cafe twenty minutes early, so he ends up doing a couple of laps around the block to kill time. Thankfully, next time around Haru’s there, loitering next to the cafe, idly looking at his phone. He’s kind of smiling quietly. Makoto’s heart does a weird floop in his chest. He wonders if Haru looks like that because he’s looking forward to seeing him. He sure hopes so. Makoto ignores his suddenly racing heart and heads over.

“Heya, Haru-chan!” He smiles at his old friend, waving.

“Hey,” Haru says, then smirks a little, adding the old in-joke, “Drop the -chan.”

Makoto chuckles and they go in and get seats by the window. They order their food soon after getting there (being reasonably familiar with the menu by now), and chat away. As usual, Makoto carries the brunt of the conversation, talking about this and that, what’s happening on his course, showing Haru the photos on his phone he never got round to sending, and Haru just replies to Makoto’s questions about how his training is going, and how he was getting on with the team.

At that, Haru looks quiet and pensive for a moment.

“Haru?” Makoto asks, gently. “Is something wrong?”

“No, I…” Haru pauses, fumbling for words. He looks to the side, then looks directly into Makoto’s eyes again, asking, “Do you… Do you remember me mentioning Kensui?”

Makoto’s taken aback for a minute. “Yeah, I think… I think so?”

Haru’s looking away again, looking at the crumbs of his sandwich, looking out the window, looking anywhere but Makoto. He mumbles something. Makoto’s brain is static.

“S-Sorry, Haru, what was that?”

It’s still quiet but he catches it this time.

“We’re dating.”

Makoto can only think of fireworks.

“That’s… That’s great, Haru! Congratulations!” Makoto says with an enthusiasm he doesn’t feel. His grin suddenly feels fake. His stomach feels like lead, his recent lunch churning.

The fireworks don’t stop. This must be what Haru felt, that first time Makoto said he was going away. That unexpected news that hits you like a freight train, leaving you gasping.

“Makoto? Makoto, are you okay?” Haru’s frowning, he’s concerned. He can tell something’s wrong. Makoto’s probably hurting him right now, reacting as he is, but he can’t think, he can’t breathe.

“I-I’m happy for you, Haru. Thank you for telling me.” Makoto feels trapped, suddenly. “I… I have to leave. Sorry. I just remembered… Studying... “ He stands up, fumbles for his wallet, throws down a note that was probably way too big. He feels sick, dizzy. Haru’s openly concerned, aghast even, but Makoto barely notices.

He thinks he said goodbye but he couldn’t be sure because he was out of the cafe and running, nearly bowling over random pedestrians, not caring where he was going. He thinks he can hear Haru calling his name but he can’t tell if it’s just his imagination or not.

His face is wet but it’s not raining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "What doesn't kill only makes us stronger, I guess I'm stronger now."
> 
> :)


	4. Oceans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Oceans by Seafret for this chapter. 
> 
> Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsL0QQaSP4
> 
> (I'd post the audio-only version because the MV's got a different theme to this fic, but the MV is really great, so there you go.)

It’s evening. It’s still nice outside, even if it’s getting dark. It’d be a perfect night to go out for dinner or take a walk to gaze at the city lights.

Makoto’s never felt so wretched.

He’d stumbled through the crowds in a daze until his head cleared enough to take stock of where he was. He was in front of a fountain in a small park. It was beautiful. He wanted to cry all over again. Though his hands were shaking, he snapped a picture of it anyway.

He managed to find the nearest subway station and figure out a route back to his room. When he got in, he carefully closed the door behind him, took off his shoes, and sunk to the floor like all his bones had turned to water.

Water.

He sobbed until he couldn’t any more, then he dragged himself to bed and slept. He woke up sometime around 8pm. He forced himself to boil the kettle and make a cup of tea and a cup ramen, but found he couldn’t stomach the thought of eating them. He felt empty.

He couldn’t even think about why he was so upset. It was so irrational, he told himself. He should be happy for his friend. It’s not like he was in love with Haru.

Makoto choked back another sob. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. He couldn’t believe his dishonesty with himself had driven himself to that level of denial, and that it took something like this to make him realise he didn’t just miss his friend, he missed his soulmate, his other half, his… His everything. 

This was just too much.

His phone buzzed again. He’d been ignoring it. To be fair, he’d mostly been asleep. He picked it up off the floor where he dropped it and forced himself to look at it.

From Haru:

_“makoto where are you are you ok”_ (2:04pm)

_“i have your change from the cafe”_ (2:06pm)

_“makoto please”_ (2:10pm)

_*A picture of a cat crouched underneath a car*_ (2:17pm)

_“makoto”_ (3:24pm)

From Nagisa:

_“Mako-chan!! (　ﾟдﾟ) Haru told us what happened!!! (╯•﹏•╰) Are you OK?? (◕⌓◕;)”_ (3:48pm)

_“Mako-chaaaaaan, I’m gonna call you, OK?? ヽ（゜ロ゜；）ノ”_ (4:01pm)

_3 missed calls_ (4:03pm, 4:07pm, 4:17pm)

_“Call us when you can, Mako-chan?? We’re really worried! (ó﹏ò｡)”_ (4:21pm)

From Rei:

_“Makoto-senpai, please get in touch with us or someone at your university immediately! Please don’t suffer alone!”_ (4:24pm)

Surprisingly, from Rin:

_“wat the fuck makoto? i ran into haru at the dorm n he was shaking?? wat happened???”_ (5:49pm)

_“shit makoto are you ok???”_ (6:04pm)

_“fuck idek where u live but lemme know if i can help”_ (6:17pm)

The latest one had been Nagisa checking in again.

_“Mako-chan, we really hope you’re ok! ( ･ั﹏･ั) Rei and I are on Skype right now if you want to talk?? (°∀°)b”_ (8:13pm)

He looks at the last one blankly. His first instinct is to curl up forever and pretend the world doesn’t exist. However, he realises that his friends are worried sick after the stunt he pulled (Haru especially, probably, but he doesn’t want to think about Haru right now, he’ll just cry again and maybe throw up a little.)

He heads over to the sink, runs his hands through his hair and splashes cold water on his face. His eyes are still red, he’s pale, he looks like shit, but he’s more or less composed enough to face his friends. He sits down, opens up his laptop, waits for it to boot. He takes a swig of tea and texts Nagisa back to let them know he was going to be online in a minute. The reply back is too quick and too enthusiastic. He’d really pulled something stupid, huh.

He’s jittery as he opens up Skype, his hands starting to shake a little again. Nagisa’s there like a shot, using too many emoticons, asking if video call is ok, sending the request anyway. Makoto takes a deep breath before he clicks accept and watches his grey face in the corner of the screen while Nagisa’s video feed loads.

“Mako-chan!” and “Makoto-senpai!” greet him simultaneously; Rei’s there too, in Nagisa’s room by the looks of it, side by side on the bed, laptop perched on what was probably Nagisa’s desk chair. They look and sound worried. Makoto’s face probably isn’t helping.

“Hi, Nagisa, Rei.” He sounds tired. 

“Are you OK, Mako-chan?? Haru actually called us earlier saying you’d run off from lunch together and he didn’t know what was wrong and asked us to try and get in touch and…” Nagisa trailed off, realising he was babbling too much for Makoto to respond.

“I’m OK, Nagisa. I was just… I suddenly felt really dizzy so I had to get home. Sorry for making you worry.” His words sounded hollow, fake.

“You’re not OK, Makoto,” said Rei, quietly. Nagisa was giving him a look that made him self-consciously push his glasses further up his nose before muttering, “Look at him, he’s not fine. Please, Makoto, we’re your friends. It’s painful to see you so upset.”

Makoto took in a deep, shaky breath, trying to stablise himself.

“It’s nothing, I… Haru just surprised me today. He, uh.” Makoto stopped. His throat felt like it was closing up. He didn’t want to say these words because then he’d be admitting they were true, that this was real, even though Haru had already said them.

“Haru’s… He’s… Haru’s d-dating someone.” He’s trembling again, the tears are falling again. He can hear Rei and Nagisa’s sharp gasps of surprise coming from the laptop. He continues.

“He’s… It’s not… It’s not... It’s not m-me.” His voice is breaking, he’s sobbing, he’s a fucking mess. He’s admitting it and it’s so painful.

He bows his head and breaks down, broad shoulders heaving, bawling as his friends back in Iwatobi can only desperately call consolation down the line, hopelessly shouting at a computer screen, too far away, much too far away.

Makoto’s grateful they’re there, that they’re trying, but he’s so fucking ashamed that he’s doing this, that he’s exposed this, and more than that, he still feels so fucking alone. 

“M-Mako-chan? Mako-chan, it’s ok, we’re here, shh, it’s gonna be ok, please, look at us, Mako-chan,” Nagisa’s voice is shaking, and when Makoto manages to pull himself together enough to look back up at the screen, he sees his two friends, pale and on the verge of tears themselves. He feels twice as awful for putting them through this.

“I’m sorry,” he manages, voice thick, “I’m sorry for making you see this, I’m sorry, I’m so,” he wipes roughly at his eyes, brushing away yet new tears. (How much could one person even cry, he wondered?)

“Makoto-senpai, we’re your friends. We do this,” chips in Rei, sounding almost calm, if not for the slight wavering of his tone. “You’d do the same for us - you have done the same for us.”

Makoto sniffs wetly. He feels pathetic again.

“I just… I don’t know what went wrong,” he says in a small voice. On the screen, Nagisa and Rei exchange a concerned look.

“Mako-chan…” Nagisa sighs, trying to figure out what to say, “I’m not sure anything went wrong... Sometimes things change even though we really, really don’t want them to?”

Makoto doesn’t feel any better, but he does his best to try and smile for them.

“Thanks, Nagisa. Thanks, Rei. I… I think I just need to go and think things through, but I really appreciate you being here for me.” His attempt to look cheered up doesn’t work very well, but it’s a start. His friends look unconvinced, but accepting.

They say their goodbyes, and he promises to check in again the next day. He picks up his phone again to reassure his other friends.

To Rin:

_“Sorry for making you worry u_u;; I talked to Nagisa and Rei. I’ll be fine soon!”_

With somewhat more hesitation, to Haru:

_“I’m really sorry for running off, Haru. I’m honestly very happy for you! I’m sorry for worrying you! I’m fine! ^-^”_

_*A somewhat blurry picture of a fountain*_

Then he turned off his phone and lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling until he finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I've got written up to now. While I feel like it could almost stand on its own as is, I think I've got a little bit more fallout to go over... It's a pretty unsatisfying conclusion right now, haha.
> 
> However, I'm going away for a week, and returning to uni shortly after, so there's a chance that not much more will happen with this. Just warning y'all! I'll try and round it off at some point, but please understand if that takes a while.
> 
> Hope you've all enjoyed it so far, anyway! :D


End file.
